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we go from fuckery on the community level to the international stage with our next film, oliver stone's JFK (1991).
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which brings us to a piece of film capturing acts more heinous than anything abraham zapruder saw in his worst nightmares, joan micklin silver's loverboy (1989). i would have rather watched this on a loop for 98 minutes.
i don't even know where to start, so i am just going to skip to the end first. after coming home from college for the summer, patrick dempsey ends up working as a prostitute, servicing a coterie of deranged beverly hills trophy wives for two hundred dollars a pop to raise tuition so he can get back to school to be with his true love. yeah, you read that right. true love comes to visit and he attempts to explain how, in the span of a few weeks, he has become a morally bankrupt manwhore.
"it sorta just happened."
yeah, you read that right.
i knew i was in trouble from the outset with the delightful eighties cartoon credits. how fun! it didn't help matters when the opening dorm room "punk rocker" party scene segued from edie brickell right into the escape club. the movie wastes no time in introducing us to the quite obviously insane barbara carrera who will become dempsey's de facto pimp. other repulsive characters include his best friend who boasts with great pride "i come onto every girl that walks", and his dad, who is chiefly involved in the film via a wacky subplot revolving around the misunderstanding that his son is "a fruit". stop! oh my sides! e.g. daily speaks in some language that is mostly squeaks whenever she is on screen and carrie fisher makes a surprise return appearance this week, adding cigarettes to her provocative mélange of desperation, maybelline and liquor stink. as if all this wasn't enough, in a hilarious oedipal twist, our casanova is hired to bang his mom. oh no he di'n't! actually, he doesn't. unable to deliver that pizza, he instead offers his mother up to a miniature-stallone, exchange student date rapist (one of two date rapists featured prominently in this cast). oh! the hijinks! well, i know you're wondering, and yes, his plan to sleep with forty-three women during the course of a summer does eventually get him back in his girlfriend's good graces - she's not crazy - so everyone lives happily ever after. cue the dance number and the smooth saxophone over the closing credits!
one odd note: in an eerie echo of apocalypse chelsea: day six, today also had a disturbing rendition of "great balls of fire" sung in a car, this time by vic tayback and his amazing toupée.
i can only think of one way this could have been redeemed. as dempsey is spinning his true love, and future sharer of his stds, around the dance floor, a sound begins to invade the music. a high pitched beep insistently pushes through as the dance scene fades out and we fade in to dempsey being hustled down a hospital hallway on a gurney. turns out, when he took that corner to talk to the redhead that kicked off this mess, he was plowed into by a dumptruck. this whole thing was just the final vision of a horny, stupid clown making his way into the light while he lay crumpled and broken in an intersection strewn with anchovies. how's that for a mcdreamy sequence? time of death? the moment some moron green-lit this abomination. call it.
cabby, the next time i see you i am kicking your ass for this.
i knew i was in trouble from the outset with the delightful eighties cartoon credits. how fun! it didn't help matters when the opening dorm room "punk rocker" party scene segued from edie brickell right into the escape club. the movie wastes no time in introducing us to the quite obviously insane barbara carrera who will become dempsey's de facto pimp. other repulsive characters include his best friend who boasts with great pride "i come onto every girl that walks", and his dad, who is chiefly involved in the film via a wacky subplot revolving around the misunderstanding that his son is "a fruit". stop! oh my sides! e.g. daily speaks in some language that is mostly squeaks whenever she is on screen and carrie fisher makes a surprise return appearance this week, adding cigarettes to her provocative mélange of desperation, maybelline and liquor stink. as if all this wasn't enough, in a hilarious oedipal twist, our casanova is hired to bang his mom. oh no he di'n't! actually, he doesn't. unable to deliver that pizza, he instead offers his mother up to a miniature-stallone, exchange student date rapist (one of two date rapists featured prominently in this cast). oh! the hijinks! well, i know you're wondering, and yes, his plan to sleep with forty-three women during the course of a summer does eventually get him back in his girlfriend's good graces - she's not crazy - so everyone lives happily ever after. cue the dance number and the smooth saxophone over the closing credits!
one odd note: in an eerie echo of apocalypse chelsea: day six, today also had a disturbing rendition of "great balls of fire" sung in a car, this time by vic tayback and his amazing toupée.
i can only think of one way this could have been redeemed. as dempsey is spinning his true love, and future sharer of his stds, around the dance floor, a sound begins to invade the music. a high pitched beep insistently pushes through as the dance scene fades out and we fade in to dempsey being hustled down a hospital hallway on a gurney. turns out, when he took that corner to talk to the redhead that kicked off this mess, he was plowed into by a dumptruck. this whole thing was just the final vision of a horny, stupid clown making his way into the light while he lay crumpled and broken in an intersection strewn with anchovies. how's that for a mcdreamy sequence? time of death? the moment some moron green-lit this abomination. call it.
cabby, the next time i see you i am kicking your ass for this.
whew. thanks, buzz.
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