entering the lists

do you know what i detest about the blogosphere? lists.

to clarify, i don't mean the cahiers du cinéma's 100 greatest films, year-end reviews (though we see too many of those) or occasional valid takes on an interesting subject in list form. i am referring to the daily flood of blogs that rely almost entirely on devices like this "top ten half-assed ideas we came up with once we realized generating good content every day is difficult", "seven things for vacuous morons who prefer 'factoids' to knowledge" and "five juxtapositions that are 'totally crazy' tied together by the lamest of premises" garbage. try getting off your lazy asses and writing something insightful once in a while.

to send this message most effectively, i figured the best way was to get down and wallow in their filth with them, speak their language, as it were. and, in keeping with the halloween theme, i scoured all of horror filmdom to generate what is probably the only list you will ever see on vitagraph, american. ladies and gentlemen...

the top ten ways i would dispatch bloggers who do nothing but write bullshit lists!

10. hatchet (2006) - we'll kick things off with this doozy. "any good ideas in there? nope."

9. the texas chain saw massacre (1974) - in this scenario i equate you and your blog with franklin. that says everything that needs to be said.

8. friday the 13th part VIII: jason takes manhattan (1989) - you weren't using it anyway.

7. city of the living dead (1980) - your ceaseless lists make me want to vomit my guts out so i figure it's only fair.

6. inside (2007) - oops! hope that doesn't interfere with your typing!

5. black christmas (1974) - is that the bag your maxim subscription came in?

4. pet sematary (1989) - i like to use a child to underscore your feebleness.

3. zombi 2 (1979) - i have a hilarious idea for "eight things you can't do without depth perception"!

2. halloween (2007) - only one thing would be more satisfying than crushing your throat with my bare hands...

1. psycho (1960) - and that one thing would be that you saw the error of your ways. you thought "maybe i'll try to fix this. i'll go back, apologize, try to set things right. no more banal and vapid filler. only substantial, unique and thoughtful work from now on. huzzah! it's a new day! it's the first day of the rest of my life! all i need now is a good, hot shower to wash the stench of the old me away once and for all. ah, purifying waters..." then i would end you. i would reduce your redemption to a hollow and meaningless void.

i think this is one of my top ten posts of all time.


  1. I concur with that final sentence...

  2. Oh cole you are a vicious bastard. And I can't help but love you for it.

    A post so good it momentarily made me happy Hatchet existed.


  3. thank you, gentlemen. just doing my civic duty.

  4. Lol that was fantastic, especially when for your "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Black Christmas" comments.

    It definatly seems like you can't log onto your dashboard, without seeing a list by someone. I mean if your going to write a list, make me think and not just state the obvious or at the least create something we haven't seen 100 times before.

    Now to just compile my top 10 cinematic deaths to inflict on Harry Knowles he he.

    Cool post.

  5. thanks, elwood. i am especially fond of the "black christmas" caption myself.

    i see harry around town once i while. should i warn him? nah. i'd hate to ruin the surprise.